I'm sorry

My father is always on my back to meet new people. But I just can't. I can barely stand to speak to the people I know anymore. I can't live. I can't bear the pain of being alive. I withdraw, and then I reach out, I try to care, I try to exist in harmony with other people, but I always get disappointed, and then I retreat again. The gaps inbetween withdrawal get longer, and one day I might stop reaching out again.

context later

[24/08/2011 22:57:10] Todd Etzel: muthafucka
[24/08/2011 22:57:26] *** Call to Todd Etzel ***
[24/08/2011 22:57:46] claudia: can you see me?
[24/08/2011 22:57:46] Todd Etzel: what a dick
[24/08/2011 22:57:48] Todd Etzel: yea
[24/08/2011 22:57:53] claudia: can you hear that knocking?
[24/08/2011 22:57:56] Todd Etzel: yup
[24/08/2011 22:57:58] Todd Etzel: wtf is he doing
[24/08/2011 22:57:58] claudia: omg wtf
[24/08/2011 22:58:22] claudia: see the plastic bag on me haha
[24/08/2011 22:58:27] Todd Etzel: haha yup
[24/08/2011 22:58:36] Todd Etzel: dude what is he doing
[24/08/2011 22:58:39] claudia: make him go away
[24/08/2011 22:58:43] Todd Etzel: he's fucking crazy
[24/08/2011 22:59:42] Todd Etzel: what is he talking about
[24/08/2011 22:59:45] Todd Etzel: he's moving
[24/08/2011 22:59:47] Todd Etzel: what the fuck
[24/08/2011 22:59:57] Todd Etzel: tell him what
[24/08/2011 22:59:58] Todd Etzel: lol
[24/08/2011 23:00:00] Todd Etzel: oh christ
[24/08/2011 23:00:01] Todd Etzel: hahahahaha
[24/08/2011 23:00:14] claudia: wtf
[24/08/2011 23:00:19] Todd Etzel: he found out?
[24/08/2011 23:00:24] Todd Etzel: you don't even know if it's anything
[24/08/2011 23:00:25] Todd Etzel: wtf
[24/08/2011 23:01:57] *** Call ended, duration 04:31 ***
[24/08/2011 23:02:32] *** Call to Todd Etzel ***
[24/08/2011 23:02:48] Todd Etzel: yea
[24/08/2011 23:03:36] Todd Etzel: jesus
[24/08/2011 23:03:41] Todd Etzel: he's so self centered
[24/08/2011 23:04:02] Todd Etzel: ok dude
[24/08/2011 23:04:07] Todd Etzel: you gotta take this situation under control
[24/08/2011 23:04:10] claudia: how?
[24/08/2011 23:04:11] Todd Etzel: he's being a petulent child
[24/08/2011 23:04:15] claudia: god
[24/08/2011 23:04:38] Todd Etzel: just tell him you don't know yet
[24/08/2011 23:04:42] Todd Etzel: and won't tell him
[24/08/2011 23:04:46] Todd Etzel: or tell him you're not pregnant
[24/08/2011 23:04:48] Todd Etzel: so he just goes away
[24/08/2011 23:04:53] Todd Etzel: I don't know what the fuck he wants
[24/08/2011 23:04:56] Todd Etzel: what a fucking baby
[24/08/2011 23:05:04] Todd Etzel: I've never seen anyone act so immaturely
[24/08/2011 23:05:06] Todd Etzel: in my entire life
[24/08/2011 23:05:32] Todd Etzel: dude
[24/08/2011 23:05:35] Todd Etzel: tell him you're not pregnant
[24/08/2011 23:05:37] Todd Etzel: tell him to fuck off
[24/08/2011 23:05:41] Todd Etzel: tell him there is no child
[24/08/2011 23:05:45] Todd Etzel: who cares
[24/08/2011 23:06:02] Todd Etzel: is he really repeating himself like this?
[24/08/2011 23:06:03] Todd Etzel: wtf?
[24/08/2011 23:06:15] Todd Etzel: dude tell him you're going to call the cops on him
[24/08/2011 23:06:21] Todd Etzel: and tell them about the time he beat you
[24/08/2011 23:06:43] Todd Etzel: tell him you're going to call the cops
[24/08/2011 23:07:08] Todd Etzel: what a self centered asshole
[24/08/2011 23:07:16] Todd Etzel: he thinks everything revolves around him
[24/08/2011 23:07:16] Todd Etzel: woiw
[24/08/2011 23:07:28] Todd Etzel: ok dude
[24/08/2011 23:07:33] Todd Etzel: I really can't listen to much more of this
[24/08/2011 23:07:37] Todd Etzel: this is really disturbing me
[24/08/2011 23:08:38] claudia: isn't it? wtf
[24/08/2011 23:08:43] claudia: i wish i had my phone
[24/08/2011 23:08:48] Todd Etzel: tell him you're going to call the cops
[24/08/2011 23:08:50] Todd Etzel: just threaten
[24/08/2011 23:08:56] claudia: i can't
[24/08/2011 23:08:58] claudia: my phone is in my room
[24/08/2011 23:08:59] claudia: damn it
[24/08/2011 23:09:05] Todd Etzel: well threaten it at least
[24/08/2011 23:10:17] Todd Etzel: whatever
[24/08/2011 23:10:21] Todd Etzel: do you even know now?
[24/08/2011 23:10:37] Todd Etzel: he is a real piece of work
[24/08/2011 23:10:44] Todd Etzel: dude
[24/08/2011 23:10:50] Todd Etzel: you need to threaten the cops
[24/08/2011 23:10:53] Todd Etzel: I would right now
[24/08/2011 23:10:56] Todd Etzel: I know you don't have your phone
[24/08/2011 23:11:00] Todd Etzel: but he is acting fucking psycho
[24/08/2011 23:11:04] Todd Etzel: I am literally afraid for your safety now
[24/08/2011 23:11:12] Todd Etzel: if you want me to call the cops now I will
[24/08/2011 23:11:17] Todd Etzel: I'm sure I can somehow call internationally
[24/08/2011 23:11:19] Todd Etzel: dude talk to me
[24/08/2011 23:11:38] claudia: wtf
[24/08/2011 23:11:42] claudia: my landlord was here
[24/08/2011 23:11:45] claudia: i dunno where he's gone
[24/08/2011 23:11:50] Todd Etzel: what the fuck
[24/08/2011 23:12:10] Todd Etzel: sounds like the landlord is gonna call the police
[24/08/2011 23:12:17] Todd Etzel: jesus christ
[24/08/2011 23:12:19] Todd Etzel: he's fucking crazy
[24/08/2011 23:12:39] Todd Etzel: dude don't answer his question
[24/08/2011 23:12:43] Todd Etzel: he is fucking scary
[24/08/2011 23:12:45] Todd Etzel: I take it back
[24/08/2011 23:12:52] Todd Etzel: if anything tell him no
[24/08/2011 23:12:53] claudia: ha
[24/08/2011 23:12:55] Todd Etzel: but don't say yes
[24/08/2011 23:12:57] Todd Etzel: if you are
[24/08/2011 23:13:03] Todd Etzel: just say no
[24/08/2011 23:13:07] Todd Etzel: who cares
[24/08/2011 23:13:09] Todd Etzel: get him away
[24/08/2011 23:13:11] claudia: right?! wtf
[24/08/2011 23:13:16] Todd Etzel: he's fucking frightening
[24/08/2011 23:13:19] Todd Etzel: tell him no I'm not
[24/08/2011 23:13:21] Todd Etzel: tell him to fuck off
[24/08/2011 23:13:24] claudia: i wish i could tape this
[24/08/2011 23:13:25] Todd Etzel: and that even if you were
[24/08/2011 23:13:25] claudia: wtf!
[24/08/2011 23:13:29] claudia: tape it for me! wtf!
[24/08/2011 23:13:31] Todd Etzel: then you wouldn't
[24/08/2011 23:13:45] Todd Etzel: "I'm not and even if I was I wouldn't tell you so go away"
[24/08/2011 23:13:47] Todd Etzel: and just say that
[24/08/2011 23:13:51] claudia: okay
[24/08/2011 23:14:10] Todd Etzel: well that proves he's even more fucking crazy
[24/08/2011 23:14:15] Todd Etzel: I'm sure he is
[24/08/2011 23:14:24] Todd Etzel: he's acting like a fucking psycho
[24/08/2011 23:14:34] Todd Etzel: "I'm not and even if I was I wouldn't tell you so go away"
[24/08/2011 23:14:43] Todd Etzel: repeat that
[24/08/2011 23:14:44] Todd Etzel: you just told him
[24/08/2011 23:14:49] Todd Etzel: there they are
[24/08/2011 23:15:07] Todd Etzel: ok
[24/08/2011 23:15:09] Todd Etzel: he's fully psycho
[24/08/2011 23:15:14] Todd Etzel: he deserves to be arrested
[24/08/2011 23:15:27] Todd Etzel: if I need to talk to the cops on Skype I will
[24/08/2011 23:15:37] Todd Etzel: jesus christ
[24/08/2011 23:15:42] Todd Etzel: dude
[24/08/2011 23:15:52] Todd Etzel: "I'm not and even if I was I wouldn't tell you so go away"
[24/08/2011 23:15:55] Todd Etzel: or whatever
[24/08/2011 23:16:01] Todd Etzel: he's not even taking no for an answer
[24/08/2011 23:16:04] Todd Etzel: he's fucking nuts
[24/08/2011 23:17:00] Todd Etzel: why is he doing this?
[24/08/2011 23:17:05] claudia: i don't know
[24/08/2011 23:17:05] Todd Etzel: did someone tell him something?
[24/08/2011 23:17:07] claudia: no
[24/08/2011 23:17:10] claudia: he just wants to know
[24/08/2011 23:17:15] claudia: and i haven't spoken to him
[24/08/2011 23:17:16] Todd Etzel: what a fucking petulent child
[24/08/2011 23:17:23] Todd Etzel: so before he moves
[24/08/2011 23:17:24] Todd Etzel: he's going nuts
[24/08/2011 23:17:29] Todd Etzel: trying to find out
[24/08/2011 23:17:30] Todd Etzel: I guess?
[24/08/2011 23:17:34] claudia: he went away
[24/08/2011 23:17:37] Todd Etzel: good
[24/08/2011 23:17:38] claudia: i'm afraid to go out
[24/08/2011 23:17:42] Todd Etzel: be careful he's not outside still
[24/08/2011 23:17:48] Todd Etzel: don't let him in
[24/08/2011 23:17:50] claudia: i can't go out
[24/08/2011 23:17:53] claudia: my room doesn't lock
[24/08/2011 23:17:54] Todd Etzel: I'm literally afraid for your safety
[24/08/2011 23:17:57] claudia: i am too
[24/08/2011 23:17:58] Todd Etzel: ok
[24/08/2011 23:18:06] Todd Etzel: ummmm
[24/08/2011 23:18:06] claudia: it's getting late too
[24/08/2011 23:18:10] Todd Etzel: if you give me your landlord's number
[24/08/2011 23:18:12] Todd Etzel: I can call him
[24/08/2011 23:18:14] claudia: i don't have it
[24/08/2011 23:18:17] claudia: it's in my fucking phone
[24/08/2011 23:18:19] Todd Etzel: fuck
[24/08/2011 23:18:19] claudia: in my room
[24/08/2011 23:18:30] Todd Etzel: anyone you can call locally there?
[24/08/2011 23:18:31] Todd Etzel: to come over?
[24/08/2011 23:18:43] Todd Etzel: jesus christ
[24/08/2011 23:18:46] Todd Etzel: he'soutside still
[24/08/2011 23:18:48] claudia: no one is online
[24/08/2011 23:20:20] Todd Etzel: he's still not going to take no for an answer
[24/08/2011 23:20:52] Todd Etzel: wow he's fucking delusional
[24/08/2011 23:20:53] Todd Etzel: lol
[24/08/2011 23:21:57] Todd Etzel: see men will ruin your life
[24/08/2011 23:21:58] Todd Etzel: haha
[24/08/2011 23:22:22] Todd Etzel: is he saying he's going to follow you where ever you go?
[24/08/2011 23:22:23] Todd Etzel: wtf
[24/08/2011 23:22:48] claudia: yeah
[24/08/2011 23:23:01] Todd Etzel: yeah that's def illegal
[24/08/2011 23:23:13] Todd Etzel: dude tell him he's breaking the law right now
[24/08/2011 23:23:17] Todd Etzel: he's acting irrationally
[24/08/2011 23:23:23] Todd Etzel: you're afraid for your own safety
[24/08/2011 23:24:32] Todd Etzel: you DID TELL HIM THE ANSWER
[24/08/2011 23:24:35] Todd Etzel: FUCK
[24/08/2011 23:24:42] Todd Etzel: tell him that
[24/08/2011 23:24:46] Todd Etzel: be like I did tell you the answer
[24/08/2011 23:24:50] Todd Etzel: and he still won't go away
[24/08/2011 23:25:31] Todd Etzel: god
[24/08/2011 23:25:32] Todd Etzel: dude
[24/08/2011 23:25:33] Todd Etzel: like
[24/08/2011 23:25:42] Todd Etzel: you're going to need to turn the volume up
[24/08/2011 23:25:47] Todd Etzel: and I'm going to need to talk to him
[24/08/2011 23:25:52] claudia: okay
[24/08/2011 23:26:01] claudia: talk to him
[24/08/2011 23:28:27] Todd Etzel: make sure he goes away first
[24/08/2011 23:28:36] Todd Etzel: and find some way of locking your door
[24/08/2011 23:28:40] Todd Etzel: with Peter if possible
[24/08/2011 23:44:22] claudia: wassup
[24/08/2011 23:44:25] Todd Etzel: part of me thinks he should just arrested
[24/08/2011 23:44:26] claudia: is this still on?
[24/08/2011 23:44:29] Todd Etzel: yeah
[24/08/2011 23:44:32] claudia: i don't wanna..
[24/08/2011 23:44:34] Todd Etzel: heard the whole convo
[24/08/2011 23:44:37] claudia: then i have to testify and everything
[24/08/2011 23:44:40] Todd Etzel: yeah true
[24/08/2011 23:44:44] claudia: i don't want it to be a huge deal
[24/08/2011 23:44:45] claudia: i genuinely
[24/08/2011 23:44:47] claudia: don't
[24/08/2011 23:44:47] Todd Etzel: yeah
[24/08/2011 23:44:49] claudia: for both of us
[24/08/2011 23:44:50] Todd Etzel: good call
[24/08/2011 23:44:57] Todd Etzel: dude he is crazy
[24/08/2011 23:45:03] Todd Etzel: fucking certifiable
[24/08/2011 23:45:03] claudia: i forgot my contact lense stuff though... haha
[24/08/2011 23:45:07] claudia: gonna have to sleep with them in
[24/08/2011 23:45:07] Todd Etzel: what an immature brat
[24/08/2011 23:45:09] claudia: yeah
[24/08/2011 23:45:10] Todd Etzel: haha shit
[24/08/2011 23:45:13] Todd Etzel: I mean wtf
[24/08/2011 23:45:22] Todd Etzel: you have sex, there is the change of getting someone pregnant
[24/08/2011 23:45:29] Todd Etzel: and he's calling you evil and shit? wtf?
[24/08/2011 23:45:32] claudia: he acts like i poked a hole in it or something wtf
[24/08/2011 23:45:34] Todd Etzel: for wanting an abortion if it does happen?
[24/08/2011 23:45:37] Todd Etzel: yeah seriously
[24/08/2011 23:45:44] Todd Etzel: you play with fire, you get burned
[24/08/2011 23:45:54] claudia: it takes two to tango
[24/08/2011 23:45:56] Todd Etzel: if he didn't want something like this to happen
[24/08/2011 23:46:03] Todd Etzel: he should never have had sex
[24/08/2011 23:46:05] Todd Etzel: so he can fuck himself
[24/08/2011 23:46:15] claudia: yeah
[24/08/2011 23:46:20] Todd Etzel: fucking abstain
[24/08/2011 23:46:24] Todd Etzel: if you want to go on a moral high horse
[24/08/2011 23:46:27] claudia: pretzel
[24/08/2011 23:46:28] Todd Etzel: about your first child and shit
[24/08/2011 23:46:29] Todd Etzel: wtf
[24/08/2011 23:46:31] Todd Etzel: wassap
[24/08/2011 23:46:35] claudia: i'm gonna be bonusly traumatized now T__T
[24/08/2011 23:46:42] Todd Etzel: I'll be here for ya girl
[24/08/2011 23:46:46] Todd Etzel: just hang in there
[24/08/2011 23:46:46] claudia: :(
[24/08/2011 23:46:53] Todd Etzel: gonna be a tough next couple of days
[24/08/2011 23:46:55] Todd Etzel: but yeah
[24/08/2011 23:46:58] Todd Etzel: you'll get through this

You said you loved me.

Why did you leave me?
How did you just stop caring?
Were you really that person I cuddled with and held/held me?
You said it would get better, but why didn't you let it? Why didn't you let me?


I know it hasn't been that long, but it hurts. It hurts so much. I miss you so much. We had so much. And now you want to cut me off so much.

You said you loved me. You did.

I'm so lost

I'm so, so, so lost. If I were a needle, I'd be in a haystack. If I were a grain of sand, I'd be in Long Beach. If I were a hair I'd grow on Goldilocks' head. If I were a piece of shit, I'd be in the largest sewer. If I were you, I wouldn't want to be me.

I'M GOING TO BE HERE

WWW.HAHALONDON.BLOGSPOT.COM

for a while. I'll still be here sometimes, but try there mostly. Please and thank you.